Man Who Said Regulators Obsolete Demands to Know Where Regulators Were

The regulators were obsolete right up until the money went missing.

On October 29, Binance suffered a security breach with an estimated $6.3 billion impact, the biggest crypto heist on record. About $3 billion was frozen with partners, and the company said it would cover customer losses. That part is real, and it is reported by Reuters.

The two men in this post are not. NewsThump's October 30 satire introduces a longtime crypto investor who spent years explaining that governments, banks and financial regulators are completely obsolete, and who now demands to know why none of them prevented his money from being stolen. He has contacted his MP to ask why regulators failed to impose stronger safeguards on an industry he repeatedly urged them to leave alone. He remains committed to dismantling the traditional financial system, once it has finished helping him.

His counterpart kept his savings in a sock beneath his rhubarb, installed with a borrowed spade, guarded by a stiff side gate, an upturned wheelbarrow, and a neighbor who notices absolutely everything. His system has repelled every cyberattack attempted since installation, has never had to issue a statement explaining that his money is completely safe while refusing to let him withdraw it, and suffered only one brief suspension of withdrawals, in January, because the ground was frozen.

The joke is the hypocrisy, not crypto holders. Plenty of people hold crypto without ever declaring the entire regulatory state obsolete. This one did, loudly, for years, and is now asking where everybody went.

The underlying reporting is filed in the Evidence Locker: NewsThump (Oct. 30, 2026); Reuters (Oct. 30, 2026).