THE RECORD
The Archive
Every offense, in reverse chronological order. Nothing deleted, nothing memory-holed.
FRESH
Congress now wants a man's chatbot history preserved as a presidential record, prompts and all.
FRESH
This Remembrance Sunday, one patriot is taking poppy-wearing further than anyone in history.
FRESH
Madrid's housing camp won its demands and stayed anyway, so police cleared it before dawn.
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Salim Said claimed 6,000 meals a day. FBI cameras counted 40 people. He got 30 years.
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Binance lost billions, and suddenly the regulators are missed.
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Your local newspaper now has 1,181 locations and zero local reporters.
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Britain's under-16 social media ban leaves the adults in charge of the timeline.
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The Atlantic's war-planner story just met the Pentagon's org chart.
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The Babylon Bee's latest headline hands the Jesus-commentary crown to a man who never opened the book.
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Doors win wars: Cliff Maloney's ground game knocked 9 million doors ahead of November 3.
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Q3 GDP grew 3.4% and the recession got rescheduled again.
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Chicago judge hopes the 23rd time is the charm for rehabilitating a violent criminal.
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San Francisco paying customer leaves store clerk confused in the Babylon Bee's latest dispatch.
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Virginia Senate leader Louise Lucas faces federal racketeering and marijuana charges — and she is staying put.
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Frankfurt looting followed a day of peaceful protest in Germany, and the difference was the shopping.
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Trump joked about putting Ted Cruz on the Supreme Court, and the press covered it like a nomination.
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CNN poll says blue wave. NYT poll says blue wave. The voters have not voted yet.
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Maine's Senate frontrunner runs on abolishing ICE, and the betting market prices him at 69%.
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Campaign donation texts are the one platform every voter can agree on: stop sending them.
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California's voter rolls just got a courtroom reality check, straight from the bench.
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The voter fraud bounty is open, and the price tag is one million dollars.
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Kentucky voter fraud, five registrations deep: one man allegedly voted in three elections with zero eligibi…
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California's new tourism pitch writes itself, and the Babylon Bee just published the brochure.
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A third of Democrats now identify as democratic socialists, and the fringe just moved into the main house.
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Paris curfew is back for Halloween, and this time it covers adults.
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The Babylon Bee nails the selective definition of 'settled science' in a single headline.
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Billboard Chris walked into the White House this week, six years after his solo fight began on a Canadian s…
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Blaze host Sara Gonzales argues Islam is 'a political ideology, NOT a religion' — and France is her preview…
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London protesters scheduled their own arrest for 1 p.m. tomorrow.
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Barack Obama flew to Detroit to boost Michigan Democrats, then delivered a speech about Trump.
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Nicki Minaj press secretary odds hit 23 percent, briefly, and that is the whole joke.
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Texas Children's Hospital just opened a detransition clinic it has to fund for free for five years.
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Florida Senate odds say the rally energy and the betting market are telling two different stories.
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Melbourne MCRI study: the data says the patient population keeps moving.
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The FBI just raided the mansion of Eric Swalwell's billionaire donor.
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ICE just launched a nationwide SNAP fraud operation.
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Gas prices are on pace for the most expensive October ever.
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Kamala Harris is back on the campaign trail while Joe Biden stays off it.
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The FCC chair just warned broadcasters about fake polls.
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LeBron James turned the national anthem into a driving range.
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The FDA is about to study whether the 'safe' abortion pill is safe.
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France put adults on curfew in Marseille.
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The DOJ just charged 15 people in a $1.8 billion LA health care fraud takedown.
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Kissimmee mayor arrested: Jackie Espinosa has been charged with grand theft and organized scheme to defraud…
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Man avoids deportation by following the law, and the pundit class is stunned.
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The fraud leaderboard is out, and election season has a clear frontrunner: fraud itself.
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Ottawa gender surgery research just banked $1.4M — and the conclusion shipped before the data did.
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An Iowa city council opened its meeting with a prayer to Satan. Verbatim.
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James Comey just got charged a third time. Same FBI director, third federal case.
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Reform UK just filed a police report against ITV’s undercover team.
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DOJ charged two former FBI officials with lying to Congress about the Hunter Biden laptop probe.
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New Zealand's puberty blocker ban died in the High Court this week, and not for the reason anyone was fight…
FRESH
SNAP fraud crackdown: a rapper's own Instagram videos helped investigators connect the money to the private…
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A federal court filing just gave Ilhan Omar a second last name.
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Elissa Slotkin calls herself a moderate. Then she pitched prosecutions as a deterrent.
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The FDA puberty blocker suicide warning was issued this spring, and it went out quietly.
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The BBC spliced Trump’s Jan. 6 speech. Now it wants him under oath reciting it.
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The PHP bug that broke the internet for a week (PHP2Shell explained)
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Ilhan Omar says there’s no fraud. The feds brought exhibits.
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A polling firm just admitted it fabricated months of polls — and the New York Times put 15 of them in its a…
FRESH
France just banned the weekend's protests — and the bans are brought to you by last weekend's arsonists.
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Most of the web still runs on PHP, a language from 1994 — and it just had the worst week of its life.
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PHP hid a critical flaw in plain sight for fourteen years. Nobody found it until the AI looked.
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Trump was asked about the France riots and gave the answer Paris spent a week of essays avoiding.
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France protests: the Yellow Vests filed their Saturday march route straight through the neighborhoods loote…
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PHP vulnerability so severe that cyber agencies gave the internet two options: patch it right now, or switc…
FRESH
Marriage fraud, itemized: $38,000 a wedding, couples' photos included, green card pending.
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Fetterman was the Senate's lone Democrat to vote for funding DHS — then he explained why the shutdown can't…
FRESH
The DHS shutdown just got dumber.
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Pelosi's portfolio keeps outrunning Congress's willingness to regulate it.
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Virginia Senator Louise Lucas indicted on 8 federal counts — and the indictment quotes her own wiretapped w…
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Samba the capybara has been loose in Britain for six months, and nobody can catch her.
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UNT is $45 million in the hole. Its growth plan is importing more foreign students.
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blue wave energy, civil war reality. Democrats are talking up a massive midterm sweep while publicly brawli…
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New Hampshire, August 2026: firefighters showed up to save a man's burning house — and he stole their truck.
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Mark Zuckerberg's first Guinness did not go well.
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375,000 followers. Zero humans wrote the material.
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The Dutch really are built different: a Rotterdam museum has solemnly laid 800 pounds of peanut butter on i…
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In 2018, a French mayor tried to solve his mosquito problem with paperwork.
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Democrats just became the nation's foremost war powers scholars.
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Border security got the loudest standing ovation of the State of the Union. Half the chamber sat it out.
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Mamdani's city-run grocery stores just hit a milestone: the operator bids are in, and the first store opens…
FRESH
The fact is true. The tone, however, is problematic.
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After 43 days, the shutdown ended with a deal so unpopular that Chuck Schumer himself voted against it.
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She sued for $50 million to make a photo disappear.
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The evidence was irrefutable. It was just temporarily misplaced for four years.
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He vanished from the trail. The campaign said it was the flu.
SUNNY
The Supreme Court just turned deportation into a budget airline.
SUNNY
ICE just posted the biggest help-wanted ad in federal law enforcement.
FRESH
In 2015, campuses promised not to shield you from offensive ideas.
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New Mexico passed a law that treats a punchline like a pack of cigarettes.
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Markets heard the schedule change and exhaled.
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Your GPS just got a software update. Unfortunately, so did your vocabulary.
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He asked the simplest question on television. The answer never arrived.
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One woman. 250 protesters. She went to jail.
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Satire works best when the paperwork backs it up.
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Net zero achieved. Not by innovation. By pricing drivers off the road.
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EVEL KNIEVEL'S ESTATE DEMANDS CUT AFTER ROADSTER JUMPS SEMI
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TESLA ENGINEER CONFIRMS NEW ROADSTER 'REALLY SUCKS'
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WILE E. COYOTE ACCUSES TESLA OF STEALING HIS ENTIRE THING
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School boards just lost their favorite hiding spot: the 400-page agenda.
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The standard was very clear. Until the address changed.
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Federal agents showed up at a sitting congresswoman's front door before dawn.
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321 days at sea. The welcome banner has a second side.
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The candidates brought the insults. The moderator brought tech-support energy.
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The Babylon Bee held a memorial for October 8th.
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The pollsters had one job, and they gave the lead to the wrong guy.
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You clicked 'I agree' on 4,000 words you never read. This one's shorter.
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The house uses more power than a small city. The bill goes to everyone but the house.
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You've committed four violations before coffee.
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There's a new update for your friendship.
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Rubio just became the world's least patient landlord.
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Your thoughts are buffering. Please enable location services to continue thinking.
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The loudest opinion in the room comes with the softest homework.
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The world's most expensive terms of service just got updated.
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The one federal agency that truly understands social media runs on four legs.
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Your childhood now has a paper trail, and the auditors are reading it.
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One man. Both sides of the spreadsheet.
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New York's unity candidate has a list. It's not a guest list.
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He said the quiet part out loud.
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18 months after it was sent, the recall finally went through.
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Your score dropped while you were reading this.
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TSA is now screening something even more suspicious than your water bottle.
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Your fridge logs every snack.
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The government lost your paperwork in its own filing room.
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Your insurance company knows how you brake.
CLOWN WORLD
While we were gone, the world kept writing our material for us.
FRESH
World leaders agree: AI needs global rules - said to a half-empty room.
THOUGHT CRIMES
The Babylon Bee just beat California in court. A federal judge struck down Newsom's anti-deepfake law, ruli…
FRESH
Congress released 33,295 pages of the Epstein files this month.
SUNNY
“We'd never sell your data. Selling is such an ugly word. We share it.” Sunny from the Department of Privac…
FRESH
China just upgraded its social credit system with 23 new directives.
SUNNY
The national debt hit $34 trillion — and America now spends more on interest than on the entire military. D…
DIGITAL DYSTOPIA
Your phone isn't listening… it's just 'personalizing your experience.' Sure it is. What's the creepiest ad…
SUNNY
Your Doritos bag lost five chips and kept the same price. Frito-Lay said the quiet part out loud — so Sunny…
FRESH
Australia's new legal theory: the victim did it.
SUNNY
Congress's top stock trader made 78.8% last year. The market made 16.6%. Sunny from the Department of Fair…
FRESH
Seattle police are NOT rebranding shooters — the chief just made up a nicer word on live TV. 'Trigger pulle…
THOUGHT CRIMES
The joke didn't change. The permission slip did.
TERMS & CONDITIONS
Friendship, now with terms and conditions.
2040 HEADLINES
Your thoughts are now geotagged. Welcome to 2040.
THOUGHT CRIMES
Saying the obvious is now “controversial.”
CLOWN WORLD
WWIII on pause. Timeout called.
CLOWN WORLD
Sourdough peace accords: make bread, not war.
CLOWN WORLD
$80,000 to forget common sense.
DIGITAL DYSTOPIA
Attention is the real currency.
CLOWN WORLD