Chief Authority. Never Read It.

The loudest theologian in the room is the one who skipped the source text, and the Babylon Bee has given him a title.

The Bee's October 25 headline reads: "Man Who Doesn't Read The Bible Also Chief Authority On What Jesus Would Do Today." The man pictured outdoors is captioned as the chief authority on Jesus's views despite never having read the book — authority claimed without ever opening it, commentary written without ever consulting it.

It writes itself because everyone has heard it. The pundit class quotes Jesus the way it quotes everything else: as a slogan, deployed at full volume, sourced from nowhere in particular. 'Jesus would do this' lands with total confidence precisely because the speaker has never had to square it with a page of the text. The book is the one credential the authority never bothered to earn.

This is satire about a pattern, not a report about any real person, and no pundit's name or photo is attached to it. The restraint matters: the joke is not that some individual failed to read, but that an entire commentary genre runs on unread authority. The Bible stays out of the punchline's way — the punch lands on the people who use Jesus as a bumper sticker, never on faith itself.

So the chief authority has spoken, and he has done so without ever opening the book. The commentary is complete. The reading, apparently, is optional.

Sources: The Babylon Bee (Oct. 25, 2026).