Your Rap Sheet: Five Terms of Service Violations You Committed Before Coffee

You didn't read the terms. Nobody reads the terms. But you signed them, and the receipts are all real clauses — quoted verbatim below from the primary documents.

Charge 01: you 'read' 4,000 words in 0.3 seconds. Apple's Media Services Terms, Section F, Usage Rules: "You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial purposes." That playlist you streamed at the office? Exhibit A. Same section also bans manipulating play counts or reviews "via any means — such as (i) using a bot, script, or automated process," and bans using any output of the services to train AI models. You agreed to all of it between the password prompt and the home screen (Apple Media Services Terms).

Charge 02: your cousin is a fugitive. Netflix's Terms of Use: "The Netflix service and any content accessed through the service are for your personal and non-commercial use only and may not be shared with individuals beyond your household unless otherwise allowed by your subscription plan." Sharing a password across households is a technical breach of the contract — the UK's Intellectual Property Office has even confirmed it could theoretically face prosecution, though no streamer is enforcing that yet (Lexology).

Charge 03: your selfies work for Meta now. Meta's Terms of Service: "you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, and worldwide license to host, use, distribute, modify, run, copy, publicly perform or display, translate, and create derivative works of your content." You still "own" the photos. Meta just owns the license to everything you do with them (Poynter).

Charge 04: buying followers is a crime. (Theirs.) Instagram's Terms of Use: "You can't sell, license, or purchase any account or data obtained from us or our Service." That includes attempts to buy, sell, or transfer any aspect of your account — including your username. The growth service you almost bought? Contraband (Instagram Terms of Use).

Charge 05: suspicion is enough. No notice required. Back to Apple's Section G, Termination: "If you fail, or Apple suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, Apple may, without notice to you: terminate this Agreement and/or your Apple Account." Suspicion. No notice. Goodbye to everything you "bought."

The full rap sheet is filed in the Evidence Locker under Big Tech. You agreed to all of this. You read none of it. The contracts are still binding anyway — that's the whole business model.