The Only Unanimous Platform: Stop Texting.

America has finally found the platform everyone agrees on, and it fits in a text bubble: stop texting us.

The Babylon Bee's October 28 headline put it plainly — Americans unanimously agree to vote for whichever candidate stops sending them campaign donation text messages. It is satire, obviously. Nobody polled the country on its inbox. But the joke lands because every voter with a phone already knows the premise is true: election season turns every number you have ever given a campaign into a fundraising firehose.

Both parties' machines have agreed on nothing this cycle except this one operational doctrine: if a voter has not donated in the last six minutes, they have not been texted recently enough. The reply-STOP-to-opt-out pipeline is the closest thing Washington has to a bipartisan jobs program, employing an army of rotating numbers named Kevin.

So here is the only unanimous platform, offered free of charge to any candidate brave enough to run on it: one text, then silence. The first campaign to actually stop texting will discover a voter base so grateful it might accidentally win in a landslide. The rest can keep texting into the void, where the void has already replied STOP three times.

The underlying reporting is filed in the Evidence Locker: The Babylon Bee (Oct. 28, 2026).